Ayo every New Yorker: did you know that tigers and elephants and walruses and shit live in the outer boroughs? Like, there’s a fuckload of gorillas just fucking around in a big field up in the Bronx? And you can go see them? For next to nothing? Fucking Brooklyn has a place where you can tickle a motherfucking horseshoe crab and see fish that glow in the dark and shit. You afraid of learning some shit about cool-ass animals? I’ve seen a grizzly bear take a splattery shit, motherfucker, and the kids went wild. Seen some cute-as-balls red pandas all chewing on leaves; that shit’s fucking adorable. Also sometimes the turtles are having sex. Turtle fucking! Get on a goddamn train and go to the goddamn zoo, you pussy. Or at least make sure there still is one in a few years. For fuck’s sake.