NEVER GO TO BLOG PARTY: A Guest Post, By Sady Doyle

Say, friends! It has been a long while, since I used the Tumblr machine at you! And I am not using it now. No, indeed: This is a very special sort of post. A GUEST POST, delivered via advanced word-processing mechanisms to your Tumblr dashboard. 

And why, you ask, would I write such a post at you? Well: WHY DO I EVER. The answer, of course, is that somebody paid me five dollars. Seriously, that is all it takes. But also: I have become aware of what the cool kids are doing, these days! And what the cool kids are doing are BLOG PARTIES.

I was invited to such a blog party, recently! By the person who gave me five dollars! It was very nice! Also, there is a reason that I am never invited to blog parties, and/or turn down 99.8% of all blog-party related invitations. I am legitimately terrible at every known form of human social interaction. And Blog Parties, well. They are a thing that it is especially easy to be terrible at! The only thing easier than being terrible at blog parties is being terrible at blogging, and the only thing that is easier than being terrible at blogging is being terrible at using the Tumblr machine. So, you ask me: What do you do at Blog Party if you are legitimately 100% terrible at ALL THREE OF THOSE THREE THINGS??? 

Well. Allow me to take you through that experience. Thought by terrible thought! 

  • Oh, an invitation to Blog Party! How nice! And it comes from my very favorite friend, whose name is Brad. How well Brad does, at the Blog Parties! How generous the host is! He’s such a nice man. Why, my dear boyfriend, I don’t see any problem with you attending Blog Party. 

  • Yes, my dear boyfriend. Yes, I will go with you to Blog Party. Our relationship is entering a new era, based on trust and communication, and also on me not being too terrified to ever hang out with your friends. Yes, it would be very helpful if I did not respond to the word “party” with an expression of frozen horror. Yes. Sure. Yes. 

  • Um, I just need a drink first. Um, yes. A fairly serious drink. That is all I need. TO GO TO BLOG PARTY! 

  • Oh, God, we’re the first ones here. Oh God, oh God, oh God. 

  • Oh! Hey! Joe! I know Joe! HI JOE! HOW ARE YOU JOE! PLEASE JOE DON’T GO AWAY.

  • Where do I know that guy’s name from? He seemed like a nice guy. Oh, right, he’s THAT guy! He wrote that thing about Blog Party! Well, he’s nice. 

  • She seems nice, too! Oh. Oh, why do we have to move away? Ohhhhhhhh. Yeah, I guess you DID kind of call her article racist. Four hours ago. On your Tumblr. Yes, I can see how this would be awkward. 

  • Oh, dear God. Who else might be coming? WHO ELSE MIGHT BE COMING? OH DEAR GOD. I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW. 

At this point, we break from the narrative to inform you that, as if cued by Blogging Accountability Spirits, a man enters the room. A Man Who Often Gets Called Sexist! And, more specifically, a Man that I Have Called Sexist. With some degree of vehemence, and several times. To be fair, though, he did once equate people in my line of work to gang-rapists! So that was fun!  

  • Just don’t move. Just don’t move. Just… don’t… OH GOD HE’S LOOKING RIGHT AT ME.

  • "Hi, I’m ____________. I think we’ve… met?" 

  • "I’m Sady. I don’t think we have." 

  • And around the room, bloggers convene to witness two people freezing mid-handshake, looking at each other with a gradually dawning awareness of their own unmitigated terror, and slllllowwwwwwllllly backing away. 

  • Ugh. Fuck.

  • You know what? I need another beer.

  • You know what? I need A LOT of beer.

  • You know what? This is fucking stupid. It is. My college roommate was a Goth who played Miss Congeniality on a loop in our dorm room. I liked her. I dated a German studies major who talked in his sleep and occasionally barked out things that sounded like terrifying orders at 4 AM. I liked him. I have friends who are Libertarians. I have friends who read Ayn Rand. I have friends who read Norman Mailer. I have friends who read comic books, and I have friends who read the Bible, and sometimes they’re the SAME FRIENDS. My boyfriend thinks that Soulja Boy is an appropriate noise to make in our home. I like all those people. My Mom keeps asking me to say the phrase “I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior,” and her reasoning for this is “so that I won’t have to worry when I die, and I’ll know that I can see you again in heaven,” and I love my Mom. I have said the phrase. Like five times, aloud, and in restaurants. My stepdad thinks “Cajun seasoning” is a thing, like a thing you can order at restaurants. This is a little more challenging, but I love him, too. I know this about myself. I can like pretty much anybody, if I think they need it. It’s why I did the whole fucking feminist blog thing, because I thought people were coming up with reasons to automatically dislike each other or withhold compassion from each other, and it was fucking everyone’s life up, I just started a blog so that I could say “EVERYONE, BE NICER TO EACH OTHER, WAIT UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER BEFORE YOU DECIDE THE OTHER PARTY IS WORTHLESS,” I started a whole blog just to say that one damn thing. And yes, a whole lot of people think just saying that is a form of cruelty, and it really can be cruel, when you’re edging over from demanding more compassion in the world to patting yourself on the back for being compassionate while you beat other people up, and I’ve crossed that line myself many a time, it’s a remarkably tricky line to walk and it’s not like I even remotely know what I’m doing, but fuck it. No, seriously, fuck it. I believe in feminism. And I believe in a lot of other things, too. “BE NICER TO EACH OTHER,” is the thing I believe. And the only reason I have ever genuinely disliked another person is that I thought he or she was COMING UP WITH BULLSHIT REASONS NOT TO LIKE PEOPLE. Coming up with bullshit reasons why reading the wrong books, or wearing the wrong clothes, or living in the wrong neighborhood, or coming from the wrong culture or the wrong income level or the wrong gender, meant that some other human being didn’t deserve compassion. I don’t like some of what this guy has said. And all I know about him is that he’s said a few things I didn’t like online.  

  • Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is, I’ve had a lot of beer, and he’s going out for a cigarette, and I’m going too. Because why? Because fuck blogging, that’s why. I’ve heard this guy talk a thousand times, and I’ve talked back at him, and it’s reached the point that we were staring at each other in open-mouthed horror in the middle of someone else’s living room, and we’ve never actually had a single goddamn conversation. 

  • Oh, hey, five dollars! 

  • No. No, the cigarette went fine. Joe was there. Anyway, we’ve got to head out. 

  • Yeah. Yeah, it was a good party. I wish we’d gotten to talk to Brad more. I love that man. Anyway, you want to get some Chinese and watch Dr. Who? Yeah. Yeah, I was hoping that was what you wanted. That’s why I love you, too. 

  • Oh, my sweet Jesus Lord, how is Brad texting us from Blog Party at FIVE AM???

  • Well. At least I wasn’t the most memorable thing that happened at Blog Party!

Sady Doyle started Tiger Beatdown. She deleted her Tumblr. Will you?

    Notes
    1. gm reblogged this from youngmanhattanite
    2. justsayjolie reblogged this from youngmanhattanite and added:
      Bleach doesn’t throw itself on people, people throw bleach on people.
    3. summeromegadeth reblogged this from youngmanhattanite and added:
      Doesn’t Andrew have a No Hatereblogging Clay Shirky Policy in effect?
    4. youngmanhattanite reblogged this from misterdoubtfire and added:
      Alright, now this is getting a little closer to the irony we want in an online opinion post. MisterDoubtfire (a play on...
    5. misterdoubtfire reblogged this from youngmanhattanite and added:
      Uggggh. Not that I was actively wondering whether Sady Doyle was still a shrieky moron with limited writing abilities,...
    6. papemobile reblogged this from youngmanhattanite and added:
      Even if you haven’t been to Blog Party, you’ve been to Blog Party.
    7. unsubtle-knife reblogged this from youngmanhattanite and added:
      Reason a zillion why I love Sady Doyle:
    8. cowboy-killr said: Tiger Punch Up
    9. bmichael reblogged this from youngmanhattanite
    10. firthofforth reblogged this from youngmanhattanite
    11. artyucko said: me blog pretty one day

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